Clear view through a tidal wave of emotions...

During a conversation with a friend earlier, he explained I hadn't 'just' found my life's purpose as I had just told him; it was already there he suggested. I have now stepped into it. This is what Oprah Winfrey calls an 'Aha' moment; I get it! I will give birth to a new language or new conversation by which society speaks to and about women/families who have lost an expected life. Let me say this, when I think I'm able to be generous, to use other people's words, and share my story and healing with the world, without the onslaught of tears, self doubt, profound sadness, and bewilderment, I realize how equally fragile and resilient we are. I see that in myself. I didn't expect today's tidal wave of emotions. They washed over me like I imagine being dunked in a carnival target game. (The ones where you knowingly sit in an enclosed pool atop water on a collapsible stool, waiting for someone to hit the target that plummets you into the water. Well, I KNOW I've experienced these losses of my little ones, and I KNOW life has gone on, but I never KNOW when someone, some thought, or some image of what I anticipate either Jade, Rohan or Zen to resemble in their earthly forms will trigger or target these emotions.) Suffice it to say, I can see my way through the tears to blog...from day one, this was my salvation. This has been my therapy, my way of sharing. I'm grateful this community allows me to share my experiences and in doing so I hope you see hope for yourself too. Always with love, Me...Jade, Rohan and Zen's Mom xoxo

Wazobia Special Baby Boy ...

How does my heart delight in knowing my darling ex and his new wife have welcomed a healthy, precious baby boy while I question WHY! WHY couldn't OUR babies be born healthy and whole???? Am I selfish? Am I insincere? I know I'm not. I prayed thanking God for seeing baby and Mommy through a safe birth and asked God to continuously bless them all. But here I am, a day later after his birth, crying angrily that our little ones weren't afforded being fawned over, fussed over, adored, loved, and smothered with our affection. I don't even know what to write...my thoughts are scattered. I'm half smiling because I know the joy my ex must feel; and I'm crying because I can't explain why I, too, don't know such joy. Ugh... Well, what I know is that little baby boy's siblings who are in heaven are sending their love to their brother. Wazobia is a word Nigerians use to say "Welcome"; it's a combination of three Nigerian languages all meaning 'welcome'.

Celebrating Zen...

Today, in 2010, I carried Zen's buoyant life inside of me and within hours of waking, her life needed to be terminated to save mine. The moments leading up to this experience was the impetus for this blog in 2010 and now, some three years later, I write to relieve internal anguish, share moments of faith and hope, and chronicle my thoughts about motherhood. Today's message is brief...I simply want to celebrate my little Zen and remember the joy she gave me; her expected life was sooooo grand!!! She made me laugh with her ultrasound antics; she was acrobatic. In one of her last photo shoots...LOL...she spread her legs as if she was doing a handstand, creating a V with her upturned legs to show us all her gender! There was something very jovial yet peaceful about her spirit...hence her name. During the most tedious, painful, nerve-racking situations her images always comforted me and surely made me and her Dad laugh. I wonder what she would have looked like at age three; would she have still been jovial; inquisitive; pensive; thoughtful...whomever she would have become, she was already my little girl and still is. Happy birthday sweet baby. Mommy loves you...more than my words and tears can describe. xoxoxo

No Crying in Vain

Our purpose on Earth should be determined at some point, or some points, in our lifetime. Lately, with not even an inkling of provocation or search have I recognized perhaps my purpose. It's sweet, it's bitter, it's sad, it's rewarding and it gives me hope. Today I cried at the thought of a family having lost their father, their husband, their brother, their son, their uncle - my uncle. Then, later in the day, I fought back tears talking to a sweet woman who also experienced the tragic loss of her baby. Once we ended our call my eyes flooded with tears and a pang of emptiness because my babies weren't beside me or in the next room sleeping. But I realized I didn't cry in vain. My tears of sadness will always flow, this I know. The thought of my little ones robbed of their full life's potential or the sight of babies and toddlers abound with energy fills my eyes. Most times, these are tears of hope and joy for what I assume their parents or grandparents experience having them near. But I am reminded that my need, desire to be a mother may not come in the wrapping or delivery of my choosing, but by God's design. I won't let my crying be in vain. These tears that I've shed will have cleared my eyes so see tomorrow's possibilities. I am a mother. A great mother! The child God and I choose to accept me as their own will be blessed, loved, doted on, cherished, respected, loved some more, shared with the best-intentioned people, taught responsibly, nourished well, and dare I say, loved some more! I'll begin looking into adoption and perhaps then, and only then, will God send me my partner with whom I'll take this journey. Never will I forget the man who helped me create our babies and who shared in the tragedies of their loss and who has comforted me to this day. He is indeed my Lucky charm. No more crying in vain!

I turn to you

I was prepared to write...and my thoughts collapsed
Like a drained vein, a deflated balloon
My eyes are full
My heart heavy
I turn to you, my angels
Say hi to Whitney
I've asked her to sing my lullaby to you

The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Well, I'm 42 years young and without a partner or the desire to adopt as a single parent. That is how I feel today and I pray these conditions change to welcome a child deserving of my love and zeal and vice versa.
(All children are deserving of such...)

A song was playing in the background and I heard the lyrics "...the rest is still unwritten..." played and it prompted me to blog about how life is everchanging. Minute to minute, day to day, year to year...we plan to the letter and moment, and God has His plans for us. It makes no sense to quarrel with Him; instead, be still and listen to when he whispers gently in your ears. Sooner versus later, the blueprint will unfold and clarity will appear.

I'm embracing the world as trite as it sounds...my eyes are wide open; I'm willing to take leaps - small and grand - of faith into the dark and know that I'll land on my well-insulated cushion.

Tomorrow seems hazy, and it is still unwritten. So, for today, I'm revel in what I have and be grateful!

It's Time to Start Embracing the Life that is Calling Me...

The title alone is sufficient...in time its true meaning will unfold and the story will be told...I urge you to heed its message as well. Go forward and be free. One love, S