The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Well, I'm 42 years young and without a partner or the desire to adopt as a single parent. That is how I feel today and I pray these conditions change to welcome a child deserving of my love and zeal and vice versa.
(All children are deserving of such...)

A song was playing in the background and I heard the lyrics "...the rest is still unwritten..." played and it prompted me to blog about how life is everchanging. Minute to minute, day to day, year to year...we plan to the letter and moment, and God has His plans for us. It makes no sense to quarrel with Him; instead, be still and listen to when he whispers gently in your ears. Sooner versus later, the blueprint will unfold and clarity will appear.

I'm embracing the world as trite as it sounds...my eyes are wide open; I'm willing to take leaps - small and grand - of faith into the dark and know that I'll land on my well-insulated cushion.

Tomorrow seems hazy, and it is still unwritten. So, for today, I'm revel in what I have and be grateful!

It's Time to Start Embracing the Life that is Calling Me...

The title alone is sufficient...in time its true meaning will unfold and the story will be told...I urge you to heed its message as well. Go forward and be free. One love, S

365 days of wondering

It's been a little of a year since my Zen went back to God's embrace and I still flood my pillow with tears wondering why she's not part of my everyday hustle. Surely it's easier to long for what you have no responsibility in doing, but I'd love to feed her, wash her skin, teach her to form words and watch her eye gaze at me. The smile from a child and the touch of their small fingers grazing against your face is priceless. I'm in love with my children that didn't make it to earth; that didn't take a breath, but instead filled me with life and potential. I KNOW, without a shadow of doubt, or fear of contradiction, that I was going to be their best mother. No one can tell me differently; their fullest potentials were going to be met.

Zen's dad and I were reminiscing yesterday of her time in utero and I know he hurts; how couldn't he? We imagined our babies would be perfect combinations of our best features. (I'm sure all parents do this vain act of creating their perfect masterpieces in flesh.)

Well, for now, I'll sleep with the image of Zen's round face, dark features, olive skin, curly locks and exotic piercing eyes smiling at me...I see her often; I'm sure she's fine. Her brother Rohan must be taking good care of her and their other siblings...

The wondering never stops; it just intensifies.

Lioness is on the Rise

We are 22 days into 2011 and the roller coaster of emotions still persists; joy to be around family and cherished friends; appreciation for well-intentioned work; ability to wake every day with the opporunity to make that day better than the one before, and then the empty feeling that mothehood will escape me. I know better to harbour the latter thought; we manifest our thoughts and I'm sure that negative energy is multiplying itself the more I think of it.

For today, I'll enjoy being an aunt, cousin and big sister to many.

The new thought is this lioness is on the rise!

I Don't Know About Tomorrow....but I Know Who Holds My Hands

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
And I don't borrow from its sunshine
for its skies may turn to grey
And I don't worry about my future
for I know what Jesus says
and today He walks beside me
for He knows what lies ahead...

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
but I know, I know I know who holds tomorrow
and I know who holds who holds my hand

To believe in these words is to KNOW God exists and He has control of this inexplicable situation. Today was peaceful; amidst my immediate family and their tender love (missed my baby sister, other siblings and special people in my life), but the vacancy of my loss and the emptiness of uncertainty that I may not rejoice at motherhood flooded my eyes with tears as I drove home this evening.

Still I ask God why Zen was spared? For what reason could she not have enjoyed being fawned over this Christmas season by many who would have loved her simply because she was my child.

I know this...this "work" I'm doing on and for myself will perhaps make these moments more bearable. I just ask God for patience; supposedly I have a 'good constitution' and have endured what most have crumbled over. But my will to hold, love, share, teach, rear, mold, embrace, smile at, discipline, enlighten and dare I say love again my child will fortify my weak moments.

For my children, I hear them sing this to me this night...so sad, yet so uplifting...I love you all Jade, Rohan, Zen...and the others we didn't name. Daddy and I love you and all you would have become. I know he would have rejoiced at you births!

Don't cry for me,
don't shed a tear,
the time I shared with me will always be
and when I'm gone, please carry on
don't cry for me
No one is to blame,
my death was meant to be,
don't carry guilt or shame
the reasons why I came soon you'll see
so don't cry for me
don't shed a tear
the time I shared with you will always be
and when I'm gone, please carry on
Don't cry for me....


Good night, May God's grace touch your hearts and fill them with expectation, hope, will, determination and love...it's always darkest before the dawn. I will be there beside you and we will smile knowing we made it through this test to testify!

From my heart to yours...Merry Christmas...

Getting Out of My Own Way

I've been thinking of how "broken" I feel, almost at the point of disrepair (but I know better and that thought would shame people who encourage me); however, the 'little voice' inside of me refuses to say with confidence that "Yes, you ARE broken!" Instead, that voice and I debate the full range of feelings I experience daily: lethargy; morose; weepy; hopeless (even though I give good face when people ask my outlook on tomorrows); unmotivated; stuck; emotionally, mentally and even physically 'heavy', and relatively alone.

For fear of seeping into an irrevocable mien, I must combat these feelings and essentially get out of my own way. When I step aside, assess the roads I've travelled to arrive 'here', I recognize they warrant these feelings. Perhaps I'm not broken, instead, just in need of healing.

Healing - the restoration of damaged living tissue to normal function...sounds like a plan I'll sign up for! The alternative is saddening and debilitating...stay tuned.

Not living for approval

This may seem unrelated to 'Chasing Motherhood', but as I type, I realize it's not such a disjointed matter. The more we try to please, appease and seek someone's approval, the further away we are from realizing our true destiny. Throughout moments in my 41-year-old life, I've allowed (we must take onus for our mistakes, even at the hands of others) other people close and dear to me to impose their views, perceptions and ideals on me. In an attempt to always please others and be sublimely loyal, I've discounted my own feelings and beliefs. I often wonder where I would be in life had I listened to my heart and followed my footsteps when they pointed in the direction of my heart.

Today, I vow to remain true to me...even the most well-intentioned friend, lover, family member doesn't truly deserve to keep me in their 'box of ideals' when it goes against what I know to be true. We can agree to disagree without spoiling each other and destroying what we've built. And if that relationship has to suffer because we differ (on any matter that doesn't cost us our lives or harm us in any way) then perhaps it's worth investigating how well-intentioned said person is. Agree?

It saddens me to distance myself from those whose approval I have not garnered; but it's more saddening to realize that my friendship is not as important and cherished for anyone who is willing to discard it because we disagree.

Today is a new day and God's approval will open doors and a new season of growth and opportunity when I seek His approval, and follow my heart.

Be blessed...today and always.