So, in one 'normal' work day of 11 hours, two unrelated people bring up my last pregnancy. One, genuinely asked the well-being of either my son or daughter...he had seen me with my growing belly before I left work for complete bed rest at four month. So, he only thought that I would naturally have returned to work around this time (October, some three months after giving birth). When I told him of Zen's fate, he was speechless. Earlier in the year, he and his colleague, constituents whom our office assists, were overjoyed at my pregnancy. There I was, left to comfort him while he has shaken me out of my focused disposition on today's workload.
Hours later, while driving home I decided to return a family friend's (like an aunt) call...20 minutes into our chat she tells me of a couple's (she's Guyanese like me, he's Nigerian like Zen's dad) challenging, but miracle birth after having lost twins. At first, I felt the immediate pang of empathy when I heard of their loss, but instantly delighted when God blessed them with their son. As the story went on, I began to withdraw mentally. I no longer wanted to hear about how well their now 2-year-old boy was thriving. Of course, I was pleased for them. But I had already expressed that joy and now, I felt a tinge of jealousy and began wondering why I couldn't have been so blessed. Zen was perfect...she, too, should have been a 'miracle' left to thrive against the odds. She, too, should have been in an incubator for months so that we could enjoy her progress.
I really wanted to lash out and say 'I've had enough listening to this story; I no longer care about this and think your well-intentioned story of hope and miracle is now bothersome and burdensome. Please be quiet and say good night.' Instead, I listened and allowed myself to be more uncomfortable...
Days like today aren't uncommon. Almost daily someone asks about my pregnancy and the whereabouts of my baby. Most times I handle it with grace; other times, I am frozen and instantly tear.
All the time I wonder why Zen had to be spared.
