I Don't Know About Tomorrow....but I Know Who Holds My Hands

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
And I don't borrow from its sunshine
for its skies may turn to grey
And I don't worry about my future
for I know what Jesus says
and today He walks beside me
for He knows what lies ahead...

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
but I know, I know I know who holds tomorrow
and I know who holds who holds my hand

To believe in these words is to KNOW God exists and He has control of this inexplicable situation. Today was peaceful; amidst my immediate family and their tender love (missed my baby sister, other siblings and special people in my life), but the vacancy of my loss and the emptiness of uncertainty that I may not rejoice at motherhood flooded my eyes with tears as I drove home this evening.

Still I ask God why Zen was spared? For what reason could she not have enjoyed being fawned over this Christmas season by many who would have loved her simply because she was my child.

I know this...this "work" I'm doing on and for myself will perhaps make these moments more bearable. I just ask God for patience; supposedly I have a 'good constitution' and have endured what most have crumbled over. But my will to hold, love, share, teach, rear, mold, embrace, smile at, discipline, enlighten and dare I say love again my child will fortify my weak moments.

For my children, I hear them sing this to me this night...so sad, yet so uplifting...I love you all Jade, Rohan, Zen...and the others we didn't name. Daddy and I love you and all you would have become. I know he would have rejoiced at you births!

Don't cry for me,
don't shed a tear,
the time I shared with me will always be
and when I'm gone, please carry on
don't cry for me
No one is to blame,
my death was meant to be,
don't carry guilt or shame
the reasons why I came soon you'll see
so don't cry for me
don't shed a tear
the time I shared with you will always be
and when I'm gone, please carry on
Don't cry for me....


Good night, May God's grace touch your hearts and fill them with expectation, hope, will, determination and love...it's always darkest before the dawn. I will be there beside you and we will smile knowing we made it through this test to testify!

From my heart to yours...Merry Christmas...

Getting Out of My Own Way

I've been thinking of how "broken" I feel, almost at the point of disrepair (but I know better and that thought would shame people who encourage me); however, the 'little voice' inside of me refuses to say with confidence that "Yes, you ARE broken!" Instead, that voice and I debate the full range of feelings I experience daily: lethargy; morose; weepy; hopeless (even though I give good face when people ask my outlook on tomorrows); unmotivated; stuck; emotionally, mentally and even physically 'heavy', and relatively alone.

For fear of seeping into an irrevocable mien, I must combat these feelings and essentially get out of my own way. When I step aside, assess the roads I've travelled to arrive 'here', I recognize they warrant these feelings. Perhaps I'm not broken, instead, just in need of healing.

Healing - the restoration of damaged living tissue to normal function...sounds like a plan I'll sign up for! The alternative is saddening and debilitating...stay tuned.