Clear view through a tidal wave of emotions...

During a conversation with a friend earlier, he explained I hadn't 'just' found my life's purpose as I had just told him; it was already there he suggested. I have now stepped into it. This is what Oprah Winfrey calls an 'Aha' moment; I get it! I will give birth to a new language or new conversation by which society speaks to and about women/families who have lost an expected life. Let me say this, when I think I'm able to be generous, to use other people's words, and share my story and healing with the world, without the onslaught of tears, self doubt, profound sadness, and bewilderment, I realize how equally fragile and resilient we are. I see that in myself. I didn't expect today's tidal wave of emotions. They washed over me like I imagine being dunked in a carnival target game. (The ones where you knowingly sit in an enclosed pool atop water on a collapsible stool, waiting for someone to hit the target that plummets you into the water. Well, I KNOW I've experienced these losses of my little ones, and I KNOW life has gone on, but I never KNOW when someone, some thought, or some image of what I anticipate either Jade, Rohan or Zen to resemble in their earthly forms will trigger or target these emotions.) Suffice it to say, I can see my way through the tears to blog...from day one, this was my salvation. This has been my therapy, my way of sharing. I'm grateful this community allows me to share my experiences and in doing so I hope you see hope for yourself too. Always with love, Me...Jade, Rohan and Zen's Mom xoxo

Wazobia Special Baby Boy ...

How does my heart delight in knowing my darling ex and his new wife have welcomed a healthy, precious baby boy while I question WHY! WHY couldn't OUR babies be born healthy and whole???? Am I selfish? Am I insincere? I know I'm not. I prayed thanking God for seeing baby and Mommy through a safe birth and asked God to continuously bless them all. But here I am, a day later after his birth, crying angrily that our little ones weren't afforded being fawned over, fussed over, adored, loved, and smothered with our affection. I don't even know what to write...my thoughts are scattered. I'm half smiling because I know the joy my ex must feel; and I'm crying because I can't explain why I, too, don't know such joy. Ugh... Well, what I know is that little baby boy's siblings who are in heaven are sending their love to their brother. Wazobia is a word Nigerians use to say "Welcome"; it's a combination of three Nigerian languages all meaning 'welcome'.

Celebrating Zen...

Today, in 2010, I carried Zen's buoyant life inside of me and within hours of waking, her life needed to be terminated to save mine. The moments leading up to this experience was the impetus for this blog in 2010 and now, some three years later, I write to relieve internal anguish, share moments of faith and hope, and chronicle my thoughts about motherhood. Today's message is brief...I simply want to celebrate my little Zen and remember the joy she gave me; her expected life was sooooo grand!!! She made me laugh with her ultrasound antics; she was acrobatic. In one of her last photo shoots...LOL...she spread her legs as if she was doing a handstand, creating a V with her upturned legs to show us all her gender! There was something very jovial yet peaceful about her spirit...hence her name. During the most tedious, painful, nerve-racking situations her images always comforted me and surely made me and her Dad laugh. I wonder what she would have looked like at age three; would she have still been jovial; inquisitive; pensive; thoughtful...whomever she would have become, she was already my little girl and still is. Happy birthday sweet baby. Mommy loves you...more than my words and tears can describe. xoxoxo