So, it's been five months since my Zen, our Zen, was returned to God's care. And, at that instance, I truly lost the desire to speak. My words, all my pleading with doctors, nurses, surgeons, social workers and other maternal / fetal specialists were seemingly in vain. The pleasure of sharing her impending birth with her daddy, her grandmom, her aunts / uncles, cousins and my friends no longer had an environment to thrive. What could I have possibly said that wasn't blatantly evident? She was gone and so were my words.
I sought "comfort" in being able to pen my thoughts and feelings; emailing my support circle was cathartic (just as blogging is now!). My emails elicited tears and drew readers closer to our devastating loss...but this too was short-lived. And when I thought speaking to those closest to me wouldn't be an obstacle, I then knew I had to endure the process of having lost my 'voice' and asking and expecting everyone to understand.
Well, I'm making the choice to deactivate my 'mute' button! I owe it to those who love me to hear from me, to ensure that I'm alive and well, and that I am hurting as well. It's natural; it's expected; it's understood.
What I am grateful for is the ability to enable my 'mute' button when I needed to wallow and revel in my silence. During this time my other senses were heightened.
Now, the Mute is off...I look forward to speaking with you soon!
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