So, I'm beginning to unearth the feelings of shame, loss, ineptitude and devastating sorrow for my little angels who are no longer here. I wonder how people move on from this kind of repeated loss, but through the years, I've met a select few women who have shared their tales of woe and despair, and have offered hopeful accounts of motherhood.
I feel blessed to have the outlet of written words; the most recent loss of our daughter stripped the desire to really talk to anyone (other than her Dad) about my feelings. I still don't fully believe anyone truly understands how much hope I had that Zen would make it. But, she met the same fate as her brother Rohan and others whom we didn't name. (Zen and Rohan were six months in gestational age and had full personalities that made them appear older than their actual ages. It's now been four months since Zen has been gone and I am only now learning to smile again. Mostly because I want more than anything to free myself of SIX years of sadness. (2004 was the first of the stream of losses.) It's time to regain the true glimmer in my eyes and rejoice at all I have, and not lament what escapes me.
Today, I want to veer off this path of "loss"...my life has to have more balance and with that ought to come more joy.
Reading "Invictus" - poem by William Ernest Henley...until....
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